I was talking to my room mate last night about how long it feels it has been since I was home. I flew to Utah on Saturday, so it has not even been a week. Every day of this week has felt excruciatingly long. We blamed the seemingly longer days on the stress of the new semester and wished to each other that it will not be this hard to get through a week for the next four months.
This discussion with her brought a question to my mind: what am i doing with my life? Why am I at Brigham Young University? Do I really want to be here?
The answer is complicated. If I was not going to school, I have no idea what I would be doing. The structure that has been set up for me my whole life is comforting and familiar: go to school, go to college, get married, graduate, get a job, have kids, and live happily ever after. I follow the pattern because, well, what else am I to do?
I would like to think that I am not such a conformist. I do want to be here because I do want to keep learning. I love learning new things and conundrums and realizing the complexity of the world. Many things fascinate me. So many, in fact, the I am stuck in deciding what field to go into. That is another comfort college brings me – if I am in school, I can be trying lots and lots of different things, without having to decide which thing I want to do for the rest of life.
Life after college scares me. But, in the time that I am here, I want to learn and grow so much that by the time I graduate, I am not afraid anymore.